I believe Spring is just a rural legend. I believe at one point it was truth, but now it is just a myth, a story told to children so that they are good. "If you are good and do all the chores I tell you to do, the nature fairies will come and make beautiful weather so you can play outside."
Of course, that is an all out lie. Fairies really don't care whether you do your chores or not. But, that is a common misconception, so it is forgivable. The whole premise about "Spring," now that is just uncalled for. Why tease little children with something they will never be able to know and have? Cruel, cruel parents.
We should all be realistic about the situation. Spring is a lie, and Winter is the only truth we shall ever know.
Maybe, if we sacrifice something to some other thing we will be blessed with the mystery that is Spring.
No, I don't think that will work. I have heard tales of Spring, and supposedly it was all about new birth, sacrificing is kinda the anti-thesis of new birth.
I know! We get a phoenix to come down and die in all its flaming glory, and then the phoenix, and the world, will be reborn from the ashes. I like that idea! The only tricky part is finding a phoenix that is nigh unto death. All the really old ones have already been reborn. Maybe I will ask my griffin friend if he knows of any. He has quite the "in" with the phoenixes. I think his cousin is married to one.
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Chemicals
What drives a woman's brain?
Simple- chemicals.
I am not talking about how everything is just a chemical reaction and everything is made up of chemicals. No, I am talking about excess chemicals, there for no real reason besides looking good...or feeling good.
What do women put on their faces? Chemicals.
In their hair? Chemicals.
Everywhere possible? Chemicals.
How do we function with all of the non-oxygen floating around in our heads?
The better question is: how do we function without it?
And the answer- we don't.
So, now we know: women need extra chemicals.
If you are smart, you will take this into account when dealing with them. Support women in their efforts to attain those extra chemicals. Also, appreciate when they do partake in the chemicals- there is no way of getting away, and life is easier when chemically balanced women are around.
Simple- chemicals.
I am not talking about how everything is just a chemical reaction and everything is made up of chemicals. No, I am talking about excess chemicals, there for no real reason besides looking good...or feeling good.
What do women put on their faces? Chemicals.
In their hair? Chemicals.
Everywhere possible? Chemicals.
How do we function with all of the non-oxygen floating around in our heads?
The better question is: how do we function without it?
And the answer- we don't.
So, now we know: women need extra chemicals.
If you are smart, you will take this into account when dealing with them. Support women in their efforts to attain those extra chemicals. Also, appreciate when they do partake in the chemicals- there is no way of getting away, and life is easier when chemically balanced women are around.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Missing Spoon Foundation: Help Us Return Every Missing Spoon
Our apartment started out with a decent amount of spoons. Enough, anyway, so I wouldn't have to wash a spoon every time I wanted one. Recently though, there has been a rise on spoon disappearances.
I have a theory as to why this is happening...and it is a good one.
Our refrigerator is a portal to another dimension. (This explains the weird noises and the random gross looking food in the back) This fridge is new; we just got it because our other one died on us. At about the time of the new fridge, our spoons started becoming scarcer.
Every night, when everyone is gone to bed, the portal opens letting in a host of creatures. These creatures scour the kitchen (I wish they were cleaning, but no, this is the searching version of the word). Nothing catches their fancy...that is, nothing except their reflections in the spoons. Once one catches the view of its hideous face it cannot look away. It is afraid that if it looks away first, the thing looking back at it will attack. The creature is caught in an impossible snare, it lives the rest of its life staring at its reflection.
When it is time for the tenants of the apartment to wake-up, the portal starts to close and all the creatures return to their dimension. Everything is back to the way it was... minus a spoon or two.
This theory is the best I have. Nothing else seems to make sense. Spoons don't just disappear unless some creature from another dimension takes them. What else can explain this phenomenon?
I have a theory as to why this is happening...and it is a good one.
Our refrigerator is a portal to another dimension. (This explains the weird noises and the random gross looking food in the back) This fridge is new; we just got it because our other one died on us. At about the time of the new fridge, our spoons started becoming scarcer.
Every night, when everyone is gone to bed, the portal opens letting in a host of creatures. These creatures scour the kitchen (I wish they were cleaning, but no, this is the searching version of the word). Nothing catches their fancy...that is, nothing except their reflections in the spoons. Once one catches the view of its hideous face it cannot look away. It is afraid that if it looks away first, the thing looking back at it will attack. The creature is caught in an impossible snare, it lives the rest of its life staring at its reflection.
When it is time for the tenants of the apartment to wake-up, the portal starts to close and all the creatures return to their dimension. Everything is back to the way it was... minus a spoon or two.
This theory is the best I have. Nothing else seems to make sense. Spoons don't just disappear unless some creature from another dimension takes them. What else can explain this phenomenon?
The Adventures of Nameless (and her unfortunate apprentice)
The scene: Our heroin, "Nameless" (the Living Paradox; the Queen of the Conundrum; the Enigmatic Evil-bane...for modesty's sake, we will stop it at that, but there are many more) has a secret tool that allows her to hone in her natural ability to control people.
The tool is to be used only by those who understand its purpose and ability. It is very dangerous to the novice and the unwary.
One day, Nameless decided that maybe it was time to train an under-fighter (you never know when crime is going to happen, and what if The Living Paradox is sick or unavailable?). A promising young crime-fighter named Bear appeared to be the best candidate.
Nameless took Bear back to her "Location of Mystery" (no one even knows what it is: a den, a cave, a watch tower, a broom closet?) and began training the Heroin-to-be.
The trainee learned quickly and grew immensely in her skills and abilities.
The Queen of the Conundrum was pleased and thought often of the good fortune bestowed upon her. "Ah! Finally, someone to pass along the perplexing ways of my life. An heiress to my magnificent power has arrived. Bear is my hope and my future."
We are not sure why Nameless thinks this. She is young...younger even than Bear, and that by a few years. But, like her sub-titles state, she is a mystery never to be solved.
One fateful day, The Mysterious Maiden (I told you there was more) decided that her young Padewan was ready to learn the secrets of the secret tool.
The tool was brought forth. The tool was unveiled. The tool made Bear cry.
Nameless never again tried to instruct another in the ways of the tool, and to this day, she is still the only being who understands it.
When ever Bear overheard someone whisper about the secret tool, the one only the Inexplicable Avenger can understand and use, she tells her tale of woe.
Now Nameless and the tool are viewed as evil, and it is all thanks to Bear. Bear: the wannabe heroin who did not know when enough was enough.
The Enigmatic Evil-bane, to this day, cannot solve one mystery- Why would Bear want people to know an embarrassing story like that.
But, Nameless has come to the understanding that life is full of mysteries...herself being a significant one.
The tool is to be used only by those who understand its purpose and ability. It is very dangerous to the novice and the unwary.
One day, Nameless decided that maybe it was time to train an under-fighter (you never know when crime is going to happen, and what if The Living Paradox is sick or unavailable?). A promising young crime-fighter named Bear appeared to be the best candidate.
Nameless took Bear back to her "Location of Mystery" (no one even knows what it is: a den, a cave, a watch tower, a broom closet?) and began training the Heroin-to-be.
The trainee learned quickly and grew immensely in her skills and abilities.
The Queen of the Conundrum was pleased and thought often of the good fortune bestowed upon her. "Ah! Finally, someone to pass along the perplexing ways of my life. An heiress to my magnificent power has arrived. Bear is my hope and my future."
We are not sure why Nameless thinks this. She is young...younger even than Bear, and that by a few years. But, like her sub-titles state, she is a mystery never to be solved.
One fateful day, The Mysterious Maiden (I told you there was more) decided that her young Padewan was ready to learn the secrets of the secret tool.
The tool was brought forth. The tool was unveiled. The tool made Bear cry.
Nameless never again tried to instruct another in the ways of the tool, and to this day, she is still the only being who understands it.
When ever Bear overheard someone whisper about the secret tool, the one only the Inexplicable Avenger can understand and use, she tells her tale of woe.
Now Nameless and the tool are viewed as evil, and it is all thanks to Bear. Bear: the wannabe heroin who did not know when enough was enough.
The Enigmatic Evil-bane, to this day, cannot solve one mystery- Why would Bear want people to know an embarrassing story like that.
But, Nameless has come to the understanding that life is full of mysteries...herself being a significant one.